The Most Important Story You’ll Ever Tell Is the One in Your Head
Learning how to control your thoughts through the framing of storytelling
Passing Moments
The little stories we tell ourselves are the realities we make happen.
On a Wednesday morning 2 years ago, I took my dog for a walk around my neighborhood. It was a beautiful spring day. I remember the glistening rays of sunshine—teasing the warm weather and long summer days just ahead. I remember seeing a happy party of 3, enjoying fresh coffee and a beautiful breakfast spread at a corner cafe. They were all smiling and their faces looked light. My face was far from light. I was in a rush to finish up my walk, my mind already racing ahead to a long day of to-dos. For a brief moment, I thought about how it’s not fair that those 3 strangers could feel so carefree on a random Wednesday morning. I let that moment linger as I wondered a bit longer than usual about what their lives were like.
Why I’m Writing This
The truth about that morning is it’s engrained in my memory as a painful moment in my life. I was struggling with my purpose, sense of self-worth, and fulfillment. I couldn’t articulate why. In the last 2 years, I’ve committed to doing the uncomfortable self-work to understand myself better and why I was struggling.
There are many posts I could write about that journey of introspection. But I’m writing this one to share what I learned about storytelling from that Wednesday morning.
We Were Meant to Tell Stories
Humans are natural-born storytellers. If you trace the history of humanity over time, our ability to pass down intelligence through story, has been a defining survival instinct. It helps us share knowledge and collective learnings so that future generations can survive. Whether that was through ancient paintings depicting epic battles, songs memorializing great leaders, or religious scriptures encoding our values—we’ve always recorded our consciousness in story.
Even in the present day, storytelling goes beyond record-keeping. You can view how we experience the world through the lens of storytelling. Every experience is a journey with a beginning, middle, and end. There is a hidden tale behind every restaurant you visit, every art installation at a museum, every song about heartbreak played at a concert. You are constantly experiencing other people’s stories. Those who have created are choosing to tell their story in whatever medium they prefer. And many of life’s greatest experiences are storytelling vessels: the arts, music, movies, books, travel, and so on.
Just as we tell stories to make sense of the external world, our minds also constantly narrate our internal world. An average person has around 6,000–7,000 new thoughts a day. These aren’t scattered pieces of nonsense. They bubble up to larger narratives about our lives.
The truth is we’re always writing stories in our heads. These are little stories about who we are, what’s happening around us, and what might happen next. Each of us is the protagonist of an unfolding narrative filled with ups and downs. But all of us hope, deep down, that our story has a happy ending.
On that Wednesday morning 2 years ago, I saw other people’s lives and wished something would change mine. I was letting the story write me. I was passively waiting for something or someone to change my plot.
But I’ve realized I’ve always had the power to write a different plot line for myself. I’ve been learning how to intentionally control the narrative in my mind. And it’s changing my life.
Why the Stories in Your Mind Shape Your Life
I found leverage in learning how to control the storytelling happening in my head. I had to first understand I was doing it all the time. And that it wasn’t just something passively happening. I could tweak my story. I could exert control over my thoughts and decide what chapter I was in, or what chapter was next.
Learning to wield this skill is powerful. I’ve been able to get through hard personal struggles. I’ve reframed tough outcomes into gratitude. I’ve accepted things I can’t control and focused on what I can. Here are 3 reasons why you should master the stories you tell yourself:
Reason #1: Storytelling in your head manifests in action
Your mind listens closely to the thoughts in your head. We tend to think of these thoughts as passive. We subconsciously let these thoughts guide our decisions, habits, and life outcomes. But they’re not passive.
Look at professional athletes. If every time Steph Curry entered a game, he didn’t believe he was going to win—he probably wouldn’t win as much. Athletes harness the power of storytelling when they visualize winning and picture a positive outcome. They actively plant thoughts in their minds that then turn into action. They work to make those outcomes a reality.
At its core, this point is about self-belief. If you don’t believe that your ideas can turn into reality, you will live your life thinking you can’t effect change on it. It all starts with the little stories in your head about what might happen. You must have intentionality before you can have the reality.
Reason #2: Storytelling forces you to worry less about what others think
We spend so much of our lives worrying about what others think of us. But most people are too busy worrying about themselves to care about you. In a world of perfect information, we would all see how much time in a day someone allocates towards thinking about others. Aside from your loved ones and family, I’d bet the people you’re worried about the most are the ones spending the least amount of time even thinking about you.
Any time I catch myself spiraling on someone else’s impression of me, I try to remember where I fit in their story. If they are their own protagonist, who am I? Am I an important side character? Am I an antagonist to them? I usually realize I’m probably just an extra in the background.
That perspective frees me. Focus on what you can control: which is your story, not someone else’s. Most people don’t care about you as much you’d like to think. Get on with writing whatever chapter you’re on!
Reason #3: Storytelling biases you towards optimism, over the long-term
The reality of life is that there will be periods of suffering & pain. Each person’s life story will include struggles with physical health, unexpected loss, and inevitable challenges. There is no denying these times will be uncomfortable and difficult.
In the exact moments of suffering, we are the most irrational. Think about the last time you faced a real challenge— maybe a painful breakup or a tough job rejection. While we’re going through the pain, it feels impossible to imagine feeling something different. We are bad at anticipating a future state. We cannot fathom how time may heal us and how we may feel then.
When you think about your story in moments of suffering, you can remember that this period is temporary. These feelings are part of a chapter. And that chapter has an end. When you contextualize pain in the context of storytelling, you can find comfort in looking forward to future chapters. You can find hope and a lens to be optimistic about what’s ahead. The more you wrap tough times into finite chapters, you remember this isn’t your whole story.
The Pen is Yours
When I think about that Wednesday morning, I see it as a turning point. I was forgetting the importance of moving like I’m the main character of my own story. I had to confront a narrative I was subconsciously writing for myself: that others could be happy and I couldn’t.
I’ve always had the power to shape where my life goes. But I’ve struggled to use this power. I believe storytelling is the ultimate lens that reminds me how to do that.
If you ever find yourself wishing you were living someone else’s story, just remember: you’re already the protagonist and the pen is yours. So write a good story for yourself.